Blamers are usually the kind of people who want to avoid fear. Fear is a very devastating element for them. To avoid experiencing fear, they began to transfer the feeling of fear to others. Instead of being scared, they begin to scare others. Scaring others will come with different forms of abuse and even in forms of physical punishment. When the blamers blame somebody they want to scare them of the consequences of an action that possibly they have not made. The imagined consequences may be as horrible as they think or much less. They usually exaggerate about the scale and the scope of the fear that may be created. One important thing that must be understood about the blamers and blaming is the element of exaggeration in the way they feel and in the way they express their feelings.
In most circumstances when there is a fault or wrongdoing, the level of fear is not in proportion with the negativity of the faulty action. The blamers usually exaggerate about the action and fears that are involved in the whole thing. Fear of being severely punished gives them sufficient excuse to verbally or physically attack somebody who was supposed to be blamed. The blamers do not stop with only blaming but express uncontrollable anger. Fear is an emotion that requires several sides. If all sides are among the blamers, a new issue can get out of hand and will turn into physical or violent attacks.
Fear of the consequences stops the blamers from looking for a reasonable solution. As problem solving is not usually in the forefront of the blamer’s mind they do not sit calmly and analyse the situation in a reflective way that can result in constructing solution. If the blamers adapt an attitude of finding solutions for the problems that usually generate blaming, the process of perceiving an issue ends the anger and blaming will change completely. The fear of the consequences for the blamer can turn the person into a problem creator than a problems solver. The people, who have learnt to resolve problems through various different strategies, may use blaming as a form of revenge but they are capable of discovering reasonable solutions.
Nobody likes fear. Nobody likes to be scared. The person, who is supposed to be scared because of his faulty behaviour, wants to strike first before the other side begins to abuse him. This is the fear of being abused that usually causes the blamers to abuse others. The blaming is a defensive action and abusing is an aggressive action. Blaming and abusing go together to knock down the blamed completely. It is use of force in a mental and psychological manner. Sometimes blaming gets very ugly and the blamers use the element of fear to intimidate the other side in a way that she accepts the responsibility for what she has not done. If the blamer is strong physically and psychologically, he can exert devastating blow to the victim.
The objective of the blamer from creating fear is to cause submission and obedience. People usually do not surrender easily. When the blamers face resistance they become more aggressive and more abusive but continue to find new ways of blaming the other side by exploiting various intimidation techniques. If the blamed is far away and too powerful to physically hurt, the blamers uses blaming as a tool of relief and satisfaction and passes the responsibility to a very strong element and then depicts himself as not being capable of doing anything. For example, they say that America is too strong. We cannot do anything about its bad behaviour. At the same time we cannot accept to submit and surrender. These blamers usually turn into moaners and groaners and project themselves as helpless and powerless that cannot do anything.
Moaners and groaners worry too much but achieve too little. Blamers stop themselves from succeeding by dissolving their talents.
Reza Hossein Borr is an NLP Master Trainer and a leadership consultant and the creator of 150 CDs and 14 Change management models. He is also the author of Manual Success, Manual of Coaching and Mentoring, Motivational Stories that Can Change Your Life, and a New Vision for the Islamic World. He can be contacted by email: sarawani@aol.com www.rezaaa.com
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