The goal of coaching,

Belief attachments, part 7
Reza Hossein Borr

Belief attachments will not allow you any major change.
The official coaches must realise the differences between religious beliefs and ordinary beliefs. A person is always entitled to hold and maintain his beliefs. If the person himself concludes that he needs some changes in his belief to improve his life that is something that a professional coach can help him with. For example, I know somebody who believes that having money corrupts people. Obviously this person has a despising belief for money in his mind. It is obvious that this person cannot be rich. He may not even be able to make sufficient money to have a decent living. There is the kind of beliefs that professional coach must help the other side to change.

You do not change yourself when you need it badly if you are too much attached to your beliefs. Beliefs can be held for hundreds of years, generations after generations. Not only we hold beliefs firmly but we transfer them firmly to others. Whatever is the result of our beliefs, we cannot change easily even if when we need it badly to change. These are not only the religious beliefs that are considered sacred, some other people consider ordinary beliefs as part of themselves and they say it is called me. I am all about my beliefs and if I do not hold that belief, I would not be the same. It is me. This is not the case. People can change their beliefs over and over and can be the same person. Beliefs can be changed and must be changed when they are not useful anymore.

Sometimes beliefs become part of our identity. This is a very dangerous situation. The identity of the people must be separated from their beliefs but this is not the case now. We identify people as Moslems, Christians, Jews and others. In fact people can change any other thing so easily but when it comes to changing religion everything becomes very difficult. Those religions which are general do leave room for change. Anyway in coaching we do not deal with religious beliefs. We only deal with ordinary beliefs that can remove some barriers from the away of progress and prosperity of the people. The coaches must realise this very important issue.

Wrong beliefs can be the source of immense problems and poverty. Belief attachments are more difficult than any other thing in life to change and they are source of more behaviours than any other thing. Those who are attached to much to their beliefs can become the product of their beliefs and you can see the embodiment of their beliefs in their lives. If their beliefs and opinions are constructive and productive, they usually have very fulfilling lives. If the beliefs are negative and out of dated opinions, then they make you part an out of dated world. Those people that you see on the streets and looked very odd present their beliefs in their appearances. The appearance of someone can show a lot of his beliefs. Whenever you talk about the negative results of the beliefs, they argue that the beliefs are sacred and nothing must change your beliefs.

Professional coaches usually do not touch religious beliefs are. They usually deal with the beliefs that are originated from political and soc-economic conditions. They know that people are attached to their religions because they were born in the religion. The people love to have their religion appreciated even if sometimes it is the source of discomfort for them and when this is the case, they usually blame themselves for what has got wrong and not their religion. This is the reason that the professional coaches must avoid any religious arguments. Anyway a coach must look for other beliefs and discover how they are the source of different difficulties that the person may suffer from.

It is up to the person to decide what he can do and what he wants to do with his beliefs. If the belief is limiting one he has the choice of changing it. But unless the belief is changed the resulting behaviour from the belief cannot be avoided.

People become attached to the beliefs physically, mentally and emotionally. The coach must act from within the world of the coachee so that his world is reflected and respected.

Reza Hossein Borr is an NLP Master Trainer and a leadership consultant and the creator of 150 CDs and 14 Change management models. He is also the author of Manual Success, Manual of Coaching and Mentoring, Motivational Stories that Can Change Your Life, and a New Vision for the Islamic World. He can be contacted by email: sarawani@aol.com www.rezaaa.com

The goal of coaching,

Detachment from the present states, behaviours, Part 5
Reza Hossein Borr

We do not think of alternatives because we are too attached to what we have, to what we say, to what we do, to what we think about and to what we feel about. That is why we need the help of a coach or a mentor. A great coach must facilitate change from the present attachments to future alternatives.

To begin thinking about discovering new alternatives and striving for having them we have to begin detaching ourselves from different things one by one. What we love obviously we cannot give up. But what is stack to us we can give up and we must give up. Sometimes what is not essentially part of us becomes part of us merely by repetition. While if we accumulate different things we can build on them and get more. Accumulation is not the same thing as attachment. Accumulation is about having more of what you like and keeping more of what you like and enjoying what you have and enjoying applying and using what you have. If you learn the art of accumulation it will stop you from sudden interruptions and even when you make major changes, the major changes would be accumulative and add new values to what you had before.

Give up to find new alternatives whatever that has lost its desired application. If it is something in you which has already expired there is no need for keeping it anymore. This mostly relates to behaviours, possessions, experiences, habits, beliefs, attitude, and established patterns that stop you from going forward and upward. The job of a coach is to facilitate having compelling alternatives that will facilitate detachment from issues which have been deeply internalised.

The other point is we must not be attached to something that is not necessarily useful to us. We have to think what attachment is not anymore useful and replace it with a new alternative. A coach needs to remember that a person gets stack and consequently, the coach has to enable him to move forward. If somebody is supposed to move forward, where he is supposed to move towards? If somebody comes with a problem, he looks for an alternative. The alternative therefore must be so much compelling that makes it easy for him to change. If somebody is attached to behaviour, it is difficult to persuade him to detach himself from the behaviour as it would not trigger thinking creatively in him the generation of a new compelling alternative. It is the attractiveness of the alternative that makes it easy for the person to detach himself from his attachment.

It is important to realise that sometimes people get attached even to pain and sickness. When pain or sickness serves an important purpose, the owner of the pain or sickness likes to retain them. You have seen people who are pessimistic about everything. They have strong attachment to pessimism. If you talk to them you see that pessimism serves them in the way that they want to be served, for example, when a pessimist says that a thing cannot be done, he excuses himself from taking any measure and effort. This person loves to be left alone in his own idle leisure. If somebody convinced him that thing can be done, it means that he must wake up early, leave the comfort of his home and go out in the crowd and do the work in an environment which may be very competitive and stressful.

He even may not have the skills for doing that and therefore, to avoid all these stressful efforts and situations, he just rejects the idea by saying that it could not done. It is also important to remember that when he says it could not be done, he talks of himself and not others. If he generalises the idea and says that it could not be done by anybody, again it does not mean that you and other people cannot do it. When he says that cannot be done, he talks of himself, not you, not me and not the rest.

People attach to something because that thing serves them in one way or another according to their own psychological makeup.

Reza Hossein Borr is an NLP Master Trainer and a leadership consultant and the creator of 150 CDs and 14 Change management models. He is also the author of Manual Success, Manual of Coaching and Mentoring, Motivational Stories that Can Change Your Life, and a New Vision for the Islamic World. He can be contacted by email: sarawani@aol.com www.rezaaa.com

What is the goal of coaching?

Thinking creatively, Part 3
Reza Hossein Borr

I defined the goal of coaching as triggering thinking creatively to generate alternatives. I described triggering and thinking from the point of view of coaching when a life coach or an executive coach intends to help another person.

Since the other people come to you when they cannot find the solutions themselves, it is your responsibility as a coach to trigger in them a process of thinking creatively to find a solution. You are not supposed to provide them with a solution although you may suggest solutions and ways of getting out of block using the examples of other people. Examples of other people are usually called story telling and I have written several articles about how to tell a story effectively to create change. Since the intention is to find solutions, the main source of finding a solution is creativity. Those people, who are more creative and know the art of thinking creatively and have the experience and knowledge of creating new ideas and you solutions, can easily and quickly generate dozens of different ideas and process them to find out which one can be the best solutions and alternatives to the present stumbling block.

Remember that there must be a very specific stumbling block that you have to do generate an alternative that can serve your interests better than the present one. Thinking creatively can be easy for those whose left sphere of brain has been more active and more difficult for those whose right sphere of brain is less active. People are usually classified as having a more proactive left brain or right brain. The people with more active right brain have more capacity for creativity; however, they need the necessary training for learning the art of creating solutions. Organising the work of brain and shaping the ideas that it produces is a major task that has to be mastered by everybody in order to stop the random wanderings of the brain which will not bring any tangible idea or product.

NLP offers the coaches with an amazing strategy for becoming creative. The wandering in the open air and looking up at the right side can bring hundreds of new ideas. You can walk leisurely in a park or anywhere else for the purpose of creating ideas. Here your purpose and outcome must be very clear. You must walk to create new solutions. Before beginning to walk, you set an outcome and guide your brain for producing solutions and ideas. Once the goal is set, walk with your head up, looking towards right side without endangering yourself of falling down. Keep a pen and paper and write different ideas that may come to your mind. The looking up and down will change your state and allow radon ideas to come to your mind. This procedure is for when you have already identified the problem and seek a solution. If there is no the possibility of walking in open air then seat or stand in the comfort of your home or office, looking up and at the right in a very relaxed manner and allowing comfortable sensations to move in your body and allow your brain to generate intended outcomes.

When you are dealing face-to-face with other people, off course, you can not walk in a park but you still have the choice of looking up towards the right side to trigger the action in that part of your brain that generates new ideas. This must be done very delicately without disturbing other people.

When you repeat this technique regularly you will be in a position to produce and generate hundreds of solutions and apply them before the problem happens. My philosophy has been always something like that: find the solutions and apply them before the problem happens and if the problems happen, find solutions not only to resolve the problem now but prevents the future problems from happening.

Reza Hossein Borr is an NLP Master Trainer and a leadership consultant and the creator of 150 CDs and 14 Change management models. He is also the author of Manual Success, Manual of Coaching and Mentoring, Motivational Stories that Can Change Your Life, and a New Vision for the Islamic World. He can be contacted by email: sarawani@aol.com www.rezaaa.com

What is the goal of coaching?, part 1

Reza Hossein Borr, London,6.10.08

After years of studying almost all books on coaching and writing a book about coaching and giving many lectures and presentations and writing dozens of articles on the subject of coaching I have always thought about finding a definition that can be short and up to the point and at the same time manifests a concise and comprehensive definition. This is my definition:

The goal of coaching is to trigger thinking creatively to generate alternatives. This definition has four key words and I would like to devote a short article on defining each key word which is related to coaching. The definitions may be sometimes general; however, they are inclusive of the meaning of coaching. The first word is trigger. This word has a mechanical meaning and it is a device that is pulled in a gun to release a shot. In coaching, it means to begin an action. The action may be a reaction to another invent or initiating a new action. The coach is the person who prepares the ground to initiate this process.

In this case I intend to use the word, trigger, to initiate the process of thinking, generating thoughts, various thoughts and sometimes contrasting thoughts. In coaching, the coach acts as a leverage that pushes and pulls a mental string that creates purposeful thinking. The coach has to create a culture of thinking in the client. We know, the people mostly react in most cases. Reaction is instinctive and is designed to protect a person and therefore it relates more to survival. Thinking in coaching is intended to create better and more purposeful response to get better results.

People can learn to naturally and unconsciously initiate the process of thinking or they can decide to deliberately wait for a moment, reflect, pull the leverage of a mental activity and target it to a very specific outcome. There are some people who can do all these in matter of seconds unconsciously and naturally and there are those who need another mechanism to initiate the process of thinking through pulling a trigger. Once the trigger is pulled, thinking begins to generate its purpose.

The whole purpose of this article is to create a situation in which the trigger for thinking happens automatically, unconditionally and naturally; specifically when there is no time for thinking. There are urgent situations that need urgent actions. Thinking fast is a skill that can be mastered. This is called trigger forming. This is also a skill that can be learnt initially deliberately with a planned mechanism that will end up in automatisation. The skill of the coach depends on how he can automates the process of thinking purposefully to start from the beginning and finish at the point where an alternative is found for the present state or behaviour.

To trigger thinking instead of reacting instinctively is the way forward for calculated responses and answers. We know this is not an easy task but we also know that this task is within our resources and abilities if you are a coach, working as a life coach, executive coach or a mentor. If you can stop instinctive reaction you have began the greatest reorganisation of your life. If you respond after a short reflection with five senses active in silence, your response will be more promising and your profession as a coach will be more prosperous and at the same time, you will enrich another person with the skills of initiating thinking for intended results.

Reza Hossein Borr is an NLP Master Trainer and a leadership consultant and the creator of 150 CDs and 14 Change management models. He is also the author of Manual Success, Manual of Coaching and Mentoring, Motivational Stories that Can Change Your Life, and a New Vision for the Islamic World. He can be contacted by email: sarawani@aol.com www.rezaaa.com

The culture of thinking in coaching, part 2

Reza Hossein Borr

Why a person needs a coach to make him think? The answer is very simple. There is no culture of thinking in most of the people. People do not think; just they act according to their instinctive. The culture of thinking is about learning how to reflect on different issues, evaluate their effectiveness and impacts on our lives on a regular basis. The number of people who have left dairies shows that a small number of people have been involved in making a deliberate attempt to leave behind what has happened in their lives. Taking notes is very important but more important than that is to think and reflect about the most important things that happen every day and think how to find a better way for making them happen the next day and in future in a better way to give more positive results and outcomes. Even those who have left dairies did not go in the process of culture of thinking to evaluate those events and use them as a source of learning for the next time.

Once the culture of thinking becomes a habit in the process of coaching, the culture of the client and coach both begin the initiative of self coaching. Self-coaching begins when somebody begins to develop an attitude for evaluating ones behaviours, beliefs and actions. Coaching in that sense is about self-engineering in its mechanical form. When you need to create a new mechanical product, you have to go through a new process of material finding and engineering those materials in to a new product. When you want to create a mental product, you need to go for the same process of engineering mental ingredients and assemble them purposefully to generate one desired outcome.

As the purpose of the coaching is to empower the client, the process of empowering can only begin with creating a culture of thinking in the client which would turn into a habit that can be repeated automatically again and again and when it is repeated more, it gains more momentum and secures more competence in production of thoughts.

The aim of culture of thinking in coaching is to engineer a situation where a person learns idea creating activity which is possibly the most important habit in life of anybody. The habit of thinking is not heard of. We do not know a habit of called habit of thinking. While people think that they think, the culture of thinking is hardly seen in the lives of ordinary people. Only exceptional people create ideas. These people have already developed a culture of thinking that manifests itself in their thoughtful behaviours and talks. Only great thinkers, artists, and inventors possibly have a culture of thinking. When you get involved in coaching, you need to think hard as the client has some requirements which need solutions. Solutions can come only from creative thinking. The creative thinking has its own mechanism. But it is a skill that could be learnt. People use different ways of thinking. NLP has an effective way of thinking which includes auditory, visual and emotional triggering aspects.

The best way for creating a culture of thinking in coaching and mentoring, or for that matter, in general or another purposes, is a meaningful and proactive silence while five senses become active at the same time. In fact all the senses become sensitive in organising themselves to work together collectively for the configuration of one outcome.

Although everybody returns home every day with a big bag of experiences, hardly anybody opens the bag and looks at events carefully to discover the ingredients of the events and how he could have made it differently to generate more and better chances of joy and happiness. Think and reflect from the top to open your way to the top. Use NLP and life coaching if you do not know how to do it.

Reza Hossein Borr is an NLP Master Trainer and a leadership consultant and the creator of 150 CDs and 14 Change management models. He is also the author of Manual Success, Manual of Coaching and Mentoring, Motivational Stories that Can Change Your Life, and a New Vision for the Islamic World. He can be contacted by email: sarawani@aol.com www.rezaaa.com

Give meaning to your conversation

Reza Hossein Borr

I have a friend who speaks 10 languages but yet he doesn't know how to speak. You may know many languages. You may know many words. You may know many jargons. But if you do not know how speak you cannot give meaning to your conversation. People get affected by what you say. Speaking is very expensive. When you speak people evaluate you and give you a price. This is how they decide about your worth. What your worth is in the eyes of the people is the price they give you when you speak. What you have, you have for yourself. The worth that the other people give you is more than any of other property.

Your worth is decided by what you say and how you say it. Even if you have billions of dollars, your worth is not more than what you are priced after a conversation. This is how you are known to people and how they make you known to people they know. Your worth will be more valuable if you do what you say. What you say has a price, what you do confirm the impression you have given in the conversation. The worth of speaking well is the worth of job or respect you receive.

I have seen a lot of people who don't seem impressive before they speak. Once they speak you can evaluate their impressiveness. Once I saw of a handsome tall gentleman. His presence created a lot of respect in me. As soon as he began speaking he reduced his respect in me. I saw another small fellow who was poorly dressed. The way he was dressed made me disregard him. Once he began to speak, he corrected me and changed the view of all the audience about himself.

What I saw in these people was the scale and level of meaning that they gave to their speaking. They created new ideas that appealed to the audience. The way they said the message was appealing to many and more important than all, they refused to talk when there was no anymore a meaningful message. It is not very important to talk for one hour and say nothing but talk for two minutes and give a lot of meaningful ideas. The impression is not only created by the meaningfulness of the message but by the state which it is carried out. Billions of people speak every single day but there are only a few great speakers. Great speakers know how to use the tone of voice and body language and emotions to transfer not only meaning but also emotions to other people. It is emotions that you create in other people that create your impression on them. A conversation is about exchange of emotions. If the emotions you exchange with others generate fine and meaningful emotions, you will create the kind of strength in others that may change a lot of hearts and minds.

There is no any point in saying anything which does not have a meaningful purpose. With each conversation you can create a state which will last long after you go. You will be cherished by what you said. Your image is built with your sayings. What people think of you is what you have told them. If you do not like what people tell about you change what you tell people about people. What you say about people is what they say about you. If you don't like what people say about you change what you say about people. Say about people what they like and they will say about you what you like.

Keep silent when you do not have a meaningful thing to say. Your silence does not expose your ignorance. Keep quiet when you do not have a nice thing to say about others

Only the great speakers know when to be quite. They know the value of speaking; they also know the worth of silence. Sometimes their silence gives more meaning than when they speak.

Reza Hossein Borr is an NLP Master Trainer and a leadership consultant and the creator of 150 CDs and 14 Change management models. He is also the author of Manual Success, Manual of Coaching and Mentoring, Motivational Stories that Can Change Your Life, and a New Vision for the Islamic World. He can be contacted by email: sarawani@aol.com www.rezaaa.com

Principles of highly successful people

Reza Hossein Borr

The people who succeed follow some principles all the time. These principles shine like lights wherever they go and whatever they do. There is no deviation. There is no shortcut. There is the strait way. The principles set the direction whenever they want to go to their destination. Observing these principles keep them focused on the mission and prevents unnecessary interruptions. Interruptions are bound to happen in the life of everybody but those who are principled enough can always come back to where they were before they were interrupted.

The most of principles of highly successful people are usually common among most of successful people. They may have different understanding of them but they all follow a variety of them.

1. All of them usually have a mission, a purpose, and an objective or what it is called in NLP well-formed outcomes. The purpose has been drawn from within their makeup and has sufficient energy source to motivate the person towards achieving it. I have never seen any successful person who did not have a very clear purpose. The purpose will be best defined if it goes thru the process of NLP well-formed goals and well-formed outcomes.

2. All of the successful people have the skills of achieving their mission and purpose or if they do not have the skills, they bring the people who have the skills. This is very important as anybody who has a mission or an objective must realise if he has the skills for accomplishing the task or not. They must make sure that. That is what makes the difference between success and failure. Knowing that you want it but whether you can do it or not, is the vital and fatal factor. Those who know that they do not have the skills of doing it usually bring the people who know how to do it.

3. All of successful people have the right mindset for that mission or objective. All of us know whether something is right for us to do or whether it can fit into your psychology of aspirations. The common people say that you can do it if you are made for it. Your mindset and your attitude are two factors that you have to know.

4. All of successful people are optimistic and they know that the sense of optimism will keep them going on for a long time. The pessimists usually give up very quickly or do not start at all. The sense of optimism enlightens your heart and organises your emotions to bring different resources for successful implementation.

5. All successful people do not give up at all or they know when to give up if they realise that is something that they cannot do. This is very important thing to realise when to give up and when to continue. I usually have an exercise in my seminars to find opportunities. I would say that I have put something somewhere in a room. I ask the students to go and find it with one glance. If they couldn't do it first time I give them more chances. I have realised that those who usually do not succeed are those who look for something where it is not there. I tell them that if you look for something where it is not there, you can look for it all your life and cannot find it. And I teach them to go where things are located. There is no big fish in small pounds. If you want to grow into a very big fish you have to go into a very big ocean.

6. All successful people have a sense of integrity. They know that they would lose whatever they have earned if they engage into fraud, illegal and illegitimate practices. We have seen a lot of people who have originally succeeded and then brought down in disgrace by the illegitimate practices.

7. All of successful people believe that they can do it. Belief in yourself is your guarantee towards different obstacles that you can face you in your life when you want to achieve something great. There are a lot of people who tell you can't do it and if you do not have sufficient self-belief you would abandoned your mission when you face challenges and difficulties.

People are different and therefore, their beliefs and principles are different too. The important point is that you can discover your own principles and use them as leverages for accomplishing tasks. Your principles will make you stand firm on the ground in spite of fatal hurricanes and flood.

Reza Hossein Borr is an NLP Master Trainer and a leadership consultant and the creator of 150 CDs and 14 Change management models. He is also the author of Manual Success, Manual of Coaching and Mentoring, Motivational Stories that Can Change Your Life, and a New Vision for the Islamic World. He can be contacted by email: sarawani@aol.com www.rezaaa.com

Blamers, blaming and low expectations

Blamers, blaming and low expectations
Reza Hossein Borr

Blamers usually have low expectations in life as they believe they would not be able to fulfil high expectations. The reality of their lives also proves that. Even if in certain occasions they go for high expectations theycannot achieve the high expectations because of their bad attitude and shortage of determination and skills. They do not expect themselves to have high expectations. They also do not expect other people around them to have high expectations; that is possibly the reason that most of the members of one family with low expectations usually remain poor as a result of having low expectations in life.

Those people go for high expectations that do not blame others for achieving or not achieving what to expect. The culture of blaming usually keeps people very limited in their aspirations and desires for life. They think that what they have is what they are supposed to have. The blamers do not do the kind of things that successful people usually go for. They think what they deserve is what they have and if they go for what they did not deserve then they would not get it.

Blamers believe that they deserve less than others. They always can find some excuses for themselves to have less expectation and they can always find some excuses for others to have more expectations. A person does not get more than what he expects. The blamers gets even less. The way a human being processes expectations in his mind, determines the way he deals with the world and classify his place in the hierarchy of expectations. The high flyers usually place their ambitions at the top of hierarchy of expectations and blamers usually place their ambitions at the bottom of the hierarchy of expectations.

Blamers cannot become ambitious people with high expectations. They are usually contended people that try to blame others for wanting more and becoming ambitious. They see a lot of dangers in ambition. They are also aware that ambitious people must work very hard. This is something that they cannot do. Working very hard and taking risks are not part of their characteristics. They cherish small-mindedness and attribute their disabilities to others. They believe if they cannot do something nobody can do that. These kinds of blamers become very jealous people. They do backbiting at large-scale.

The blamers undermine those who have achieved great goals and enjoy degrading high achievers.

Reza Hossein Borr is an NLP Master Trainer and a leadership consultant and the creator of 150 CDs and 14 Change management models. He is also the author of Manual Success, Manual of Coaching and Mentoring, Motivational Stories that Can Change Your Life, and a New Vision for the Islamic World. He can be contacted by email: www.sarawani@aol.com www.rezaaa.com http://www.rezaaa.com

Blamers, blaming and truth

Reza Hossein Borr

Worry is like a rocking chair; it keeps you busy, but gets you nowhere. Blaming is like a kettle; it boils you and somebody else but you cannot make a cup of tea out of it.

The unbelievable thing and horrible fact is that a strong blamer considers himself the owner of the truth and expresses the truth as if it has been happened the way he understands. An event happens and the blamer considers himself as the only one who knows the truth and monopolises the interpretation of the event. When the person who is the target of blaming protests against the barrage of blaming, the blamer gets upset seriously and accuses the blamed of stupidity, ignorance and infidelity.

When one person monopolises the interpretation of the truth of one particular issue, event or a chain of events and others refuse to acknowledge that, it becomes very difficult to convince him that he has no the right of abusing and blaming others. But since they cannot understand the perspectives of other people and how other people experience same issue or event, they continue to blame others for lack of understanding or not understanding the same issue as they understand it. Understanding different things differently is the core difference of human perception. The blamers do not understand that each person perceives the same issue quite different from all other people. The blamers one-dimensional understanding makes them feel they are the owner of the truth.

If the person is strong and loud enough to intimidate others in accepting that he knows the truth and the whole truth, he enjoys a kind of immunity from criticism. These scared blamers get out of control and pose serious dangers to themselves and everybody that has been the target of their blaming. Fanatics of different kinds are from these kinds of blamers. They blame others for not being like them and they even go to physically eliminate them.

Once these kinds of blamers realise the truth they can change. In this case, the blamers must be directed to go through the experiences of other people. They must identify with the people they blame. I have seen some blamers who became very sorry after feeling pain other people have felt because of the hurt they have felt for being blamed harshly. Blamers like all other people need help and support. The most important thing that they have to learn is to realise how other people get hurt when they are the target of their blaming. Blaming brings blaming and therefore a game of mutual blaming can undermine the well-being of both blamers.

Since the blamers do not accept any explanation they feed very hard to change. Changing for them is the most difficult thing in the world. Most of the blamers have already convinced themselves that they cannot change. They also have reached this conclusion that those whom they blame also cannot change but they continue to blame them. By blaming they cannot change anybody. Blaming gives them a kind of satisfaction that must come in fact from achieving something. All people need fulfilment on a daily basis to convince themselves that their life is worthwhile. Important thing is that the fulfilment must come from achieving something worthwhile. Place yourself in the shoes of those whom you blame and then you feel how blame is hurting others.

Blame others for what you cannot do and you would never do anything worthwhile.

Reza Hossein Borr is an NLP Master Trainer and a leadership consultant and the creator of 150 CDs and 14 Change management models. He is also the author of Manual Success, Manual of Coaching and Mentoring, Motivational Stories that Can Change Your Life, and a New Vision for the Islamic World. He can be contacted by email: sarawani@aol.com www.rezaaa.com

Blamers, blaming and sense of fear

Reza Hossein Borr

Blamers are usually the kind of people who want to avoid fear. Fear is a very devastating element for them. To avoid experiencing fear, they began to transfer the feeling of fear to others. Instead of being scared, they begin to scare others. Scaring others will come with different forms of abuse and even in forms of physical punishment. When the blamers blame somebody they want to scare them of the consequences of an action that possibly they have not made. The imagined consequences may be as horrible as they think or much less. They usually exaggerate about the scale and the scope of the fear that may be created. One important thing that must be understood about the blamers and blaming is the element of exaggeration in the way they feel and in the way they express their feelings.

In most circumstances when there is a fault or wrongdoing, the level of fear is not in proportion with the negativity of the faulty action. The blamers usually exaggerate about the action and fears that are involved in the whole thing. Fear of being severely punished gives them sufficient excuse to verbally or physically attack somebody who was supposed to be blamed. The blamers do not stop with only blaming but express uncontrollable anger. Fear is an emotion that requires several sides. If all sides are among the blamers, a new issue can get out of hand and will turn into physical or violent attacks.

Fear of the consequences stops the blamers from looking for a reasonable solution. As problem solving is not usually in the forefront of the blamer’s mind they do not sit calmly and analyse the situation in a reflective way that can result in constructing solution. If the blamers adapt an attitude of finding solutions for the problems that usually generate blaming, the process of perceiving an issue ends the anger and blaming will change completely. The fear of the consequences for the blamer can turn the person into a problem creator than a problems solver. The people, who have learnt to resolve problems through various different strategies, may use blaming as a form of revenge but they are capable of discovering reasonable solutions.

Nobody likes fear. Nobody likes to be scared. The person, who is supposed to be scared because of his faulty behaviour, wants to strike first before the other side begins to abuse him. This is the fear of being abused that usually causes the blamers to abuse others. The blaming is a defensive action and abusing is an aggressive action. Blaming and abusing go together to knock down the blamed completely. It is use of force in a mental and psychological manner. Sometimes blaming gets very ugly and the blamers use the element of fear to intimidate the other side in a way that she accepts the responsibility for what she has not done. If the blamer is strong physically and psychologically, he can exert devastating blow to the victim.

The objective of the blamer from creating fear is to cause submission and obedience. People usually do not surrender easily. When the blamers face resistance they become more aggressive and more abusive but continue to find new ways of blaming the other side by exploiting various intimidation techniques. If the blamed is far away and too powerful to physically hurt, the blamers uses blaming as a tool of relief and satisfaction and passes the responsibility to a very strong element and then depicts himself as not being capable of doing anything. For example, they say that America is too strong. We cannot do anything about its bad behaviour. At the same time we cannot accept to submit and surrender. These blamers usually turn into moaners and groaners and project themselves as helpless and powerless that cannot do anything.

Moaners and groaners worry too much but achieve too little. Blamers stop themselves from succeeding by dissolving their talents.

Reza Hossein Borr is an NLP Master Trainer and a leadership consultant and the creator of 150 CDs and 14 Change management models. He is also the author of Manual Success, Manual of Coaching and Mentoring, Motivational Stories that Can Change Your Life, and a New Vision for the Islamic World. He can be contacted by email: sarawani@aol.com www.rezaaa.com

Blaming and Blamers

Reza Hossein Borr

Blaming is to pass responsibility of the faults and mistakes to others. Accepting the fact that the person is responsible for a mistake or a fault requires enormous courage. At the same time it requires punishment. If you accept that you have done a mistake you have to accept that you must be punished for it. Although the fault may not be a criminal act yet taking responsibility for even a small mistake means that you do not know how to do things and therefore, you have to learn how to do them.

It is not easy for people to accept that they don't know how to do things and therefore they do not blame their ignorance but they blame others while they may be possibly completely innocent. At the same time when a person transfers the blame to other people, he reduces the scale of guilt that must be felt after any mistake or fault.

Blaming usually starts from childhood. These are the children who blame each other for different mistakes they do. The reason is quite clear. The children do not know how to do things and therefore when they do something wrongly they will be immediately the target of punishment. The more a child is the target of punishment for committing mistakes the more the person will deny doing any mistake and therefore when a mistake is done it is imperative that somebody has done it but who has done it, that is the big question. The blame game starts here. The children begin to blame each other because they are scared or they do not know how to handle it. When a lot of them played the blame game nobody knows who has done the mistake. The person who is responsible for correcting a mistake will be confused and would avoid punishing all. This is the beginning of feeling immune collectively.

As the children grow they are supposed to be trained to learn different ways of doing things. As they learn more skills for doing things, they reduce the number of blames. But if the children do not learn the skills of doing different things, they continue to blame others for their mistakes. There are many adults that use blaming as a way of protecting themselves. The problem with the adults is that they may not learn sufficient skills for accomplishing different tasks. Our daily experiences show that the adults who have learnt fewer skills than the rest will continue to blame others. If you compare two different kinds of people, one that accepts responsibility and one that does not accept responsibility and blames others, you would know very clearly that the one that accepts responsibilities is the kind of person who is ready to learn from his mistakes and learn more skills to avoid the same mistake or other mistakes in future. But the person who blames others is usually a person who is very slow in learning or in fact very reluctant to learn new skills. They hardly read books. They hardly seek advice and they hardly go forward and say, "Yes, it was my fault and I am going to redress it."

Reliable researchers show that some adults will stay in the state mind of a child even when they get old. All of us would retain some of our childhood qualities but some of us retain more of these qualities and therefore, our behaviour looks childish in certain areas of life. Blamers blame others because they think like children even if they are adults. That part of their brain that needs accepting responsibility does not grow and therefore, these people will react like children when it comes to wrongdoings. Instead of developing the skills of coping with mistakes and correcting them, the blamers blame others just because they cannot cope with the scope of blame they would receive when they accept responsibility for any wrongdoing.

In many cases, the blamers are not aware that they are blaming others; because this has become a habit and compulsory reaction to encounters that may be considered aggressive. To reduce the level of blaming means to reduce the level of aggressive encounter. Blamers are usually good people that think they have been victimised and therefore, the person or the elements that have victimised them, must take the responsibility for their blaming attitude.

Reza Hossein Borr is an NLP Master Trainer and a leadership consultant and the creator of 150 CDs and 14 Change management models. He is also the author of Manual Success, Manual of Coaching and Mentoring, Motivational Stories that Can Change Your Life, and a New Vision for the Islamic World. He can be contacted by email: www.sarawani@aol.com www.rezaaa.com