Blamers, blaming and low expectations

Blamers, blaming and low expectations
Reza Hossein Borr

Blamers usually have low expectations in life as they believe they would not be able to fulfil high expectations. The reality of their lives also proves that. Even if in certain occasions they go for high expectations theycannot achieve the high expectations because of their bad attitude and shortage of determination and skills. They do not expect themselves to have high expectations. They also do not expect other people around them to have high expectations; that is possibly the reason that most of the members of one family with low expectations usually remain poor as a result of having low expectations in life.

Those people go for high expectations that do not blame others for achieving or not achieving what to expect. The culture of blaming usually keeps people very limited in their aspirations and desires for life. They think that what they have is what they are supposed to have. The blamers do not do the kind of things that successful people usually go for. They think what they deserve is what they have and if they go for what they did not deserve then they would not get it.

Blamers believe that they deserve less than others. They always can find some excuses for themselves to have less expectation and they can always find some excuses for others to have more expectations. A person does not get more than what he expects. The blamers gets even less. The way a human being processes expectations in his mind, determines the way he deals with the world and classify his place in the hierarchy of expectations. The high flyers usually place their ambitions at the top of hierarchy of expectations and blamers usually place their ambitions at the bottom of the hierarchy of expectations.

Blamers cannot become ambitious people with high expectations. They are usually contended people that try to blame others for wanting more and becoming ambitious. They see a lot of dangers in ambition. They are also aware that ambitious people must work very hard. This is something that they cannot do. Working very hard and taking risks are not part of their characteristics. They cherish small-mindedness and attribute their disabilities to others. They believe if they cannot do something nobody can do that. These kinds of blamers become very jealous people. They do backbiting at large-scale.

The blamers undermine those who have achieved great goals and enjoy degrading high achievers.

Reza Hossein Borr is an NLP Master Trainer and a leadership consultant and the creator of 150 CDs and 14 Change management models. He is also the author of Manual Success, Manual of Coaching and Mentoring, Motivational Stories that Can Change Your Life, and a New Vision for the Islamic World. He can be contacted by email: www.sarawani@aol.com www.rezaaa.com http://www.rezaaa.com

Blamers, blaming and truth

Reza Hossein Borr

Worry is like a rocking chair; it keeps you busy, but gets you nowhere. Blaming is like a kettle; it boils you and somebody else but you cannot make a cup of tea out of it.

The unbelievable thing and horrible fact is that a strong blamer considers himself the owner of the truth and expresses the truth as if it has been happened the way he understands. An event happens and the blamer considers himself as the only one who knows the truth and monopolises the interpretation of the event. When the person who is the target of blaming protests against the barrage of blaming, the blamer gets upset seriously and accuses the blamed of stupidity, ignorance and infidelity.

When one person monopolises the interpretation of the truth of one particular issue, event or a chain of events and others refuse to acknowledge that, it becomes very difficult to convince him that he has no the right of abusing and blaming others. But since they cannot understand the perspectives of other people and how other people experience same issue or event, they continue to blame others for lack of understanding or not understanding the same issue as they understand it. Understanding different things differently is the core difference of human perception. The blamers do not understand that each person perceives the same issue quite different from all other people. The blamers one-dimensional understanding makes them feel they are the owner of the truth.

If the person is strong and loud enough to intimidate others in accepting that he knows the truth and the whole truth, he enjoys a kind of immunity from criticism. These scared blamers get out of control and pose serious dangers to themselves and everybody that has been the target of their blaming. Fanatics of different kinds are from these kinds of blamers. They blame others for not being like them and they even go to physically eliminate them.

Once these kinds of blamers realise the truth they can change. In this case, the blamers must be directed to go through the experiences of other people. They must identify with the people they blame. I have seen some blamers who became very sorry after feeling pain other people have felt because of the hurt they have felt for being blamed harshly. Blamers like all other people need help and support. The most important thing that they have to learn is to realise how other people get hurt when they are the target of their blaming. Blaming brings blaming and therefore a game of mutual blaming can undermine the well-being of both blamers.

Since the blamers do not accept any explanation they feed very hard to change. Changing for them is the most difficult thing in the world. Most of the blamers have already convinced themselves that they cannot change. They also have reached this conclusion that those whom they blame also cannot change but they continue to blame them. By blaming they cannot change anybody. Blaming gives them a kind of satisfaction that must come in fact from achieving something. All people need fulfilment on a daily basis to convince themselves that their life is worthwhile. Important thing is that the fulfilment must come from achieving something worthwhile. Place yourself in the shoes of those whom you blame and then you feel how blame is hurting others.

Blame others for what you cannot do and you would never do anything worthwhile.

Reza Hossein Borr is an NLP Master Trainer and a leadership consultant and the creator of 150 CDs and 14 Change management models. He is also the author of Manual Success, Manual of Coaching and Mentoring, Motivational Stories that Can Change Your Life, and a New Vision for the Islamic World. He can be contacted by email: sarawani@aol.com www.rezaaa.com

Blamers, blaming and sense of fear

Reza Hossein Borr

Blamers are usually the kind of people who want to avoid fear. Fear is a very devastating element for them. To avoid experiencing fear, they began to transfer the feeling of fear to others. Instead of being scared, they begin to scare others. Scaring others will come with different forms of abuse and even in forms of physical punishment. When the blamers blame somebody they want to scare them of the consequences of an action that possibly they have not made. The imagined consequences may be as horrible as they think or much less. They usually exaggerate about the scale and the scope of the fear that may be created. One important thing that must be understood about the blamers and blaming is the element of exaggeration in the way they feel and in the way they express their feelings.

In most circumstances when there is a fault or wrongdoing, the level of fear is not in proportion with the negativity of the faulty action. The blamers usually exaggerate about the action and fears that are involved in the whole thing. Fear of being severely punished gives them sufficient excuse to verbally or physically attack somebody who was supposed to be blamed. The blamers do not stop with only blaming but express uncontrollable anger. Fear is an emotion that requires several sides. If all sides are among the blamers, a new issue can get out of hand and will turn into physical or violent attacks.

Fear of the consequences stops the blamers from looking for a reasonable solution. As problem solving is not usually in the forefront of the blamer’s mind they do not sit calmly and analyse the situation in a reflective way that can result in constructing solution. If the blamers adapt an attitude of finding solutions for the problems that usually generate blaming, the process of perceiving an issue ends the anger and blaming will change completely. The fear of the consequences for the blamer can turn the person into a problem creator than a problems solver. The people, who have learnt to resolve problems through various different strategies, may use blaming as a form of revenge but they are capable of discovering reasonable solutions.

Nobody likes fear. Nobody likes to be scared. The person, who is supposed to be scared because of his faulty behaviour, wants to strike first before the other side begins to abuse him. This is the fear of being abused that usually causes the blamers to abuse others. The blaming is a defensive action and abusing is an aggressive action. Blaming and abusing go together to knock down the blamed completely. It is use of force in a mental and psychological manner. Sometimes blaming gets very ugly and the blamers use the element of fear to intimidate the other side in a way that she accepts the responsibility for what she has not done. If the blamer is strong physically and psychologically, he can exert devastating blow to the victim.

The objective of the blamer from creating fear is to cause submission and obedience. People usually do not surrender easily. When the blamers face resistance they become more aggressive and more abusive but continue to find new ways of blaming the other side by exploiting various intimidation techniques. If the blamed is far away and too powerful to physically hurt, the blamers uses blaming as a tool of relief and satisfaction and passes the responsibility to a very strong element and then depicts himself as not being capable of doing anything. For example, they say that America is too strong. We cannot do anything about its bad behaviour. At the same time we cannot accept to submit and surrender. These blamers usually turn into moaners and groaners and project themselves as helpless and powerless that cannot do anything.

Moaners and groaners worry too much but achieve too little. Blamers stop themselves from succeeding by dissolving their talents.

Reza Hossein Borr is an NLP Master Trainer and a leadership consultant and the creator of 150 CDs and 14 Change management models. He is also the author of Manual Success, Manual of Coaching and Mentoring, Motivational Stories that Can Change Your Life, and a New Vision for the Islamic World. He can be contacted by email: sarawani@aol.com www.rezaaa.com

Blaming and Blamers

Reza Hossein Borr

Blaming is to pass responsibility of the faults and mistakes to others. Accepting the fact that the person is responsible for a mistake or a fault requires enormous courage. At the same time it requires punishment. If you accept that you have done a mistake you have to accept that you must be punished for it. Although the fault may not be a criminal act yet taking responsibility for even a small mistake means that you do not know how to do things and therefore, you have to learn how to do them.

It is not easy for people to accept that they don't know how to do things and therefore they do not blame their ignorance but they blame others while they may be possibly completely innocent. At the same time when a person transfers the blame to other people, he reduces the scale of guilt that must be felt after any mistake or fault.

Blaming usually starts from childhood. These are the children who blame each other for different mistakes they do. The reason is quite clear. The children do not know how to do things and therefore when they do something wrongly they will be immediately the target of punishment. The more a child is the target of punishment for committing mistakes the more the person will deny doing any mistake and therefore when a mistake is done it is imperative that somebody has done it but who has done it, that is the big question. The blame game starts here. The children begin to blame each other because they are scared or they do not know how to handle it. When a lot of them played the blame game nobody knows who has done the mistake. The person who is responsible for correcting a mistake will be confused and would avoid punishing all. This is the beginning of feeling immune collectively.

As the children grow they are supposed to be trained to learn different ways of doing things. As they learn more skills for doing things, they reduce the number of blames. But if the children do not learn the skills of doing different things, they continue to blame others for their mistakes. There are many adults that use blaming as a way of protecting themselves. The problem with the adults is that they may not learn sufficient skills for accomplishing different tasks. Our daily experiences show that the adults who have learnt fewer skills than the rest will continue to blame others. If you compare two different kinds of people, one that accepts responsibility and one that does not accept responsibility and blames others, you would know very clearly that the one that accepts responsibilities is the kind of person who is ready to learn from his mistakes and learn more skills to avoid the same mistake or other mistakes in future. But the person who blames others is usually a person who is very slow in learning or in fact very reluctant to learn new skills. They hardly read books. They hardly seek advice and they hardly go forward and say, "Yes, it was my fault and I am going to redress it."

Reliable researchers show that some adults will stay in the state mind of a child even when they get old. All of us would retain some of our childhood qualities but some of us retain more of these qualities and therefore, our behaviour looks childish in certain areas of life. Blamers blame others because they think like children even if they are adults. That part of their brain that needs accepting responsibility does not grow and therefore, these people will react like children when it comes to wrongdoings. Instead of developing the skills of coping with mistakes and correcting them, the blamers blame others just because they cannot cope with the scope of blame they would receive when they accept responsibility for any wrongdoing.

In many cases, the blamers are not aware that they are blaming others; because this has become a habit and compulsory reaction to encounters that may be considered aggressive. To reduce the level of blaming means to reduce the level of aggressive encounter. Blamers are usually good people that think they have been victimised and therefore, the person or the elements that have victimised them, must take the responsibility for their blaming attitude.

Reza Hossein Borr is an NLP Master Trainer and a leadership consultant and the creator of 150 CDs and 14 Change management models. He is also the author of Manual Success, Manual of Coaching and Mentoring, Motivational Stories that Can Change Your Life, and a New Vision for the Islamic World. He can be contacted by email: www.sarawani@aol.com www.rezaaa.com